If you’re a parent, you know how stressful the job can be. Especially if you have what they call a “strong-willed” child. It’s even more difficult when siblings come along.

But as you will hear in today’s episode of “Weird Is Great,” your whole family – including you – can experience a lot less stress and a lot more happiness, and therefore a lot better health, when you choose the Positive Discipline route.

“Almost four.”

That’s my response these days when someone asks me how old my son is. As I write this, Benjamin is about ten weeks away from making the transition from a three-year-old to a four-year-old.

And I couldn’t be more relieved.

See, I’ve never been a baby/little kid person. Never wanted to hold other people’s babies (still don’t). Never babysat when I was a teenager.

The day my principal told me I would be teaching PreKindergarten I flipped. That never actually happened – thank God! – but when I was subsequently moved from second grade to Kindergarten I detested it for about five years.

Really.

So these past three-and-some years have been a challenge.

A HUGE challenge. Made even larger by the fact that my son never stops and is often into some sort of mischief. In short, he is about as far from being an “easy” child as they get. I have experienced major struggles during the past few years.

But now…

Benjamin responds much better to requests and commands.

He can make himself understood.

He can play by himself, pretending to be a cat, or the neighbor’s lawn maintenance man.

He can and will truly help with with basic chores.

Love And Logic is starting to work with him.

He “reads” story to himself, and can use crayons and scissors without destroying the house.

Benjamin is not a perfect child, and he is still the neighborhood Energizer Bunny. He still gets into trouble. Sometimes.

But he is older.

Almost four. And I think that this mothering thing may not be so bad, after all.

If you’re wondering how to discipline a child – your child – effectively, you are not alone. Contradictions and controversies rein in the Western world of discipline techniques. Spanking or positive discipline? Gentle discipline or rewards and punishment?

While recently reading the book Healthy at 100 by John Robbins, the last thing I expected to find was a statement about child discipline. But in the very first chapter, while writing about the people of Abkhasia – an area of the former Soviet Union next to the Black Sea – Robbins strongly implies that the way Abkhasians treat their children may contribute to the vibrant health and longevity of their elders.

Here it is, taken straight from page seventeen of the book (he quotes from Sula Benet’s 1974 book Abkhasians: The Long Living People of the Caucasus ):

I also think the way children are raised in Abkhasia has much to do with the kind of elders they eventually grow up to become. Having lived many years in the United States and several years in Abkhasia, Sula Benet was struck by the way Abkhasian children behave and the way they are treated:

I never heard a child cry in protest or a parent raise his voice or threaten spanking. A command is never repeated twice. As a teacher of fidgety American youth, I marveled at Abkhasian schoolchildren who…sit at attention for hours. Such miraculous results are not motivated by fear.

Abkhasian parents never scold or nag, and they never criticize or punish their children. How, you may wonder, do they get their children to behave properly? Benet explains:

Abkhasian parents express disapproval by withholding praise, which is otherwise very generously dispensed. The Abkhasian concept of discipline, considered necessary and good for children, is not intertwined with the concept of punishment. Abkhasians feel that physical punishment induces disrespect….The Abkhasian method of discipline does not allow for the development and expression of even the mildest forms of sadistic impulse….With no threat of punishment…they young never express resentment. It gradually became apparent to the author that they do not feel resentment.

On page eighteen, Robbins goes on to comment:

Abkhasians are consistently respectful of their bodies and the bodies of others. They never physically punish children, adults or animals. This may help explain why domestic violence is almost entirely unknown in Abkhasia, as is rape.

What a novel concept. Treat kids with respect and they will grow up respecting themselves and other people. How different the United States of America could be…

PS to those of you who are vehemently disagreeing with me because “spanking is the Bible”: read this article at http://askdrsears.com and this one at http://gentlechristianmothers.com.

PPS: If you know you discipline your children out of anger, you may have nutritional deficiencies that are sparking the negative emotions. The antioxidant supplement Masaji may help you as it helped me.

By the time Benjamin was around two years old, I had a feeling he was going to be what some label as a “strong-willed child.” Now, in all of his three-year-old glory, I’m not sure he’s as much strong-willed as he is what I think of as a “live wire”: full of energy, in constant motion, and requiring  careful but firm action to get him to slow down.

In short, he drives me crazy half the day.

However, after several months of experimenting with various discipline methods, I have found several child discipline techniques that help our home to stay relatively peaceful. So following are five ways to discipline a “live wire” child, particularly toddlers and preschoolers.

1. Set and maintain firm boundaries.

No matter how well-behaved and “nice” you think your child is, if you give him an inch, he will take a mile. Take it from a former schoolteacher. Not letting your child do something one day, then changing your mind the next simply because you’re too tired or busy to “deal with it” is a recipe for chaos. Draw the boundary lines, then consistently make sure your child does not cross those lines. Remind your little one not to cross the line. And if he does, be sure to issue appropriate consequences.

2. Involve him in your activity.

If I can find ways for Benjamin to “help”–or even just watch–me as I carry out various tasks, he is a lot less likely to get into trouble. At the same time, he is learning important life skills, such as loading the dishwasher and making nut butter in the food processor.

3. Involve yourself in her activity.

Is your young one the only one at home with you? She will be much more productive–and much less destructive–during her play time if you spend a few minutes several times a day getting at her level and playing with her.

4. Use Love And Logic statements.

I’m finding this works a lot better at three than two, since a three-year-old brain is more capable of making decisions. Examples of such statements include, “You can not throw your blocks downstairs, or you can go to your room and not throw blocks.” Or, “You can throw your teddy bear over the couch or down the stairs. You may not throw him in the sink.”

5. Get her outside as much as possible.

My son lives to go outside. He must have some space and time to run wild every day. If you think the weather is too harsh for outdoor play, push furniture against the wall and play a vigorous game of chase or soccer (with a soft ball, of course!) with your child for a while. By the way, this has a nice side benefit of assuring that your child will be more ready to go to bed at bedtime!

I’ve found these discipline tips very helpful–if you have an active young one, I hope you do, too!

How to deal with tantrums?

I was hoping beyond hope that I would never have to address this question personally. When my son reached the age of two, then two and a half, and still was not throwing temper tantrums on a regular basis, I thought maybe we would be able to walk right on through the preschool years, tantrum-free.

I thought wrong.

Not that he throws himself on the floor in public places and screams when Mommy says, “No,” but his protests when he doesn’t get his way at home are becoming louder, more tearful, and with an increased amount of flailing. It is not a good scenario when Daddy is not at home and Mommy is in a bad mood or tired. However, having nine years of teaching Kindergarten under my belt and having read numerous books on how to discipline small children, I think most of the time I do a pretty good job of dealing with my son’s tantrums–if I do say so myself.

Here are five ideas on how to deal with tantrums in a gentle, respectful way.

1. Pick up your child and embrace him or her.

If you have a child with tactile sensitivity, this may not work. However, as tantrums tend to stem from a mixture of frustration at not being able to communicate feelings and fear of the strength of those emotions, a long, warm hug mixed with comforting words can help most children begin to calm down.

Preschooler throwing a tantrum

2. Give your child the words she lacks.

Then, give an alternative to what she wants. For example, “Joey, you must feel very frustrated because your brother won’t share his airplane with you. Right now, you can play with your Legos or color with your new crayons.” Or, “Lilly, I can tell you are so angry that Mommy wouldn’t let you eat a cookie right now. Right now, you may have some blueberries, and after dinner you can eat a cookie.”

Of course the child may continue the tantrum. Continue speaking calmly, and if that doesn’t work, move on to…

3. Tell your child he can calm down in the living room (or kitchen or whichever room you happen to be in), or he can calm down in his bedroom.

If he doesn’t begin to show signs of calming down in a few seconds, pick him up and carry him to his bedroom. Tell him, “Your bedroom is the tantrum place. I will be here to take you back to the living room when you’re ready to be sweet.”

Then, stay in the room with him. Isolating a child when he’s having a tantrum can deepen the frightening emotions even further, and your presence lets him know you care about helping him to feel better.

4. Ignore the tantrum.

Sometimes the best thing to do–as long as you know your child won’t hurt himself–is to walk away a little distance and turn your back on him. This works best when you suspect your child is trying to play on your emotions with his tears to get what he wants.

I will say something like, “Okay, Benjamin, Mommy’s going to read her book until you calm down, and then we can go upstairs and play with your train/read books together/go outside/etc.” This lets him know that he has lost his audience, and that if he wants it back he needs to stop the tantrum.

5. Apply lavender essential oil.

There are several essential oils that calm any kind of bad mood, in children and adults alike, but lavender is one of the most effective. Apply a drop to each foot and down the spine, and there’s a good chance that within five minutes the tantrum will end.

Just make sure you are buying a high-quality, undiluted and chemical free oil, or it will not work.

Of course, the best thing you can do is nip tantrums in the bud by learning what triggers them in your child. Then, manipulate circumstances to lessen the chance of one happening.

Regardless, learning how to deal with tantrums in a calm and gentle way may take some time, but pays off tremendously in the sanity you don’t lose and in a child who eventually learns to handle his or her emotions in a less intrusive and offensive manner.