How to deal with tantrums?
I was hoping beyond hope that I would never have to address this question personally. When my son reached the age of two, then two and a half, and still was not throwing temper tantrums on a regular basis, I thought maybe we would be able to walk right on through the preschool years, tantrum-free.
I thought wrong.
Not that he throws himself on the floor in public places and screams when Mommy says, “No,” but his protests when he doesn’t get his way at home are becoming louder, more tearful, and with an increased amount of flailing. It is not a good scenario when Daddy is not at home and Mommy is in a bad mood or tired. However, having nine years of teaching Kindergarten under my belt and having read numerous books on how to discipline small children, I think most of the time I do a pretty good job of dealing with my son’s tantrums–if I do say so myself.
Here are five ideas on how to deal with tantrums in a gentle, respectful way.
1. Pick up your child and embrace him or her.
If you have a child with tactile sensitivity, this may not work. However, as tantrums tend to stem from a mixture of frustration at not being able to communicate feelings and fear of the strength of those emotions, a long, warm hug mixed with comforting words can help most children begin to calm down.
Preschooler throwing a tantrum
2. Give your child the words she lacks.
Then, give an alternative to what she wants. For example, “Joey, you must feel very frustrated because your brother won’t share his airplane with you. Right now, you can play with your Legos or color with your new crayons.” Or, “Lilly, I can tell you are so angry that Mommy wouldn’t let you eat a cookie right now. Right now, you may have some blueberries, and after dinner you can eat a cookie.”
Of course the child may continue the tantrum. Continue speaking calmly, and if that doesn’t work, move on to…
3. Tell your child he can calm down in the living room (or kitchen or whichever room you happen to be in), or he can calm down in his bedroom.
If he doesn’t begin to show signs of calming down in a few seconds, pick him up and carry him to his bedroom. Tell him, “Your bedroom is the tantrum place. I will be here to take you back to the living room when you’re ready to be sweet.”
Then, stay in the room with him. Isolating a child when he’s having a tantrum can deepen the frightening emotions even further, and your presence lets him know you care about helping him to feel better.
4. Ignore the tantrum.
Sometimes the best thing to do–as long as you know your child won’t hurt himself–is to walk away a little distance and turn your back on him. This works best when you suspect your child is trying to play on your emotions with his tears to get what he wants.
I will say something like, “Okay, Benjamin, Mommy’s going to read her book until you calm down, and then we can go upstairs and play with your train/read books together/go outside/etc.” This lets him know that he has lost his audience, and that if he wants it back he needs to stop the tantrum.
Of course, the best thing you can do is nip tantrums in the bud by learning what triggers them in your child. Then, manipulate circumstances to lessen the chance of one happening.
Regardless, learning how to deal with tantrums in a calm and gentle way may take some time, but pays off tremendously in the sanity you don’t lose and in a child who eventually learns to handle his or her emotions in a less intrusive and offensive manner.
Need more information on teaching children of all ages to be respectful and self-disciplined, without using punitive methods? Positive Parenting Using the G.O.L.D. Standard will show you how!
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