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Natural Child Discipline: It's All About Love

Child discipline is a hot topic among parenting experts. Spanking or not? Time outs or choices? Gentle or punitive?

The theories and methods of disciplining children are as varied as their parents. The basic question is, which ones work?

By "work", I'm not talking about a method that will keep the kid quiet for the next half hour. Or stifle his personality in the name of "putting the fear of God" into him.

By "work," I'm talking about child discipline that brings long-lasting results that effectively help a child to learn self-discipline.

In the past, Bible believers were taught as a matter of course that God wooden spoon

wanted parents to hit their kids. After all, it's in black and white: "He that spares his rod hates his son..." (Proverbs 13:24)

Many Bible believers still hold to that theology, even though ongoing scientific research continutes to conclude that spanking is, in fact, not an effective child discipline method. That children who are spanked don't end up any "better" than kids whose parents use less violent discipline techniques.

That in fact, the spanked children are at higher risk for developing aggressive personalities and growing up with loose morals.

What about what the Bible says?

In case you are not aware of it, I, the author of this article and webmaster of thecrunchycoach.com, am a Bible believer. A Christian, if you will. I believe the Bible is a God-inspired book, that its teachings are without error, that Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Now that I have that disclaimer out of the way, let me make a few statements that will shock some of my brothers and sisters in Christ:

No where in the Bible does God instruct parents to hit small children.
No where in the Bible is there an illustration of a parent hitting small children.
Jesus was always gentle to children, saying of them, "Of such is the Kingdom of God."

A growing number of Bible believing parents are searching the Scriptures for themselves on this topic. Crystal Lutton, author of Biblical Parenting, includes in her book one mother's study of the word "rod."

This mother discovered, first, that in the Jewish culture of Bible days mothers cared for their small children, and that punitive child discipline was not a regular practice, if it existed at all.

Next, she studied all the Bible verses with the word "rod." She learned that the word, in almost every context, means "authority." In the place where it actually means a physical rod, the context was talking about a child who had reached his teenage years. However, any Bible scholar will tell you that you don't take one instance and turn it into a doctrine.

Furthermore, in the verse in Proverbs that says, "If you beat [your child] with a rod, he shall not die (23:13)", the word "beat" refers to a constant presence, as the sun "beating" down on the cracked ground. It has nothing to do with a physical beating on a human body.

So, now that we've established that current research is NOT contradicting what the Word says about it, let's look at

5 gentle discipline strategies that teach love, self-respect, and self-discipline

1. The five steps. These child discipline steps, as detailed in Biblical Parenting, are to be used with younger children. The steps are sequential. If the child doesn't respond to the first step, you move to the second, etc.

"You need to stop yourself from___________ because___________."
Look the child in the eye and say, "Listen to my words. You need to stop_________. Either [choose this] or [choose that]."
"You are having a hard time stopping yourself. Can you stop yourself, or do I need to help you stop yourself?"
"You are having a hard time stopping yourself. Here, let me help you."
If the child throws a tantrum at this point, you hold him in gentle but firm bear hug until she calms down.

2. Pla

yful parenting. Based on the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen, this strategy turns punitive child discipline on its head.

It assumes that a child's misbehavior results when the child feels disconnected from the parent. In an attempt to reconnect, the child acts out.

The premise is simple. When your child acts out, play with him. For example, say your child is stomping through the house, slamming doors and screaming, "I hate you!" Instead of reacting to the behavior, you run after the child with a big grin on your face and say, "You may hate me, but I L-O-O-V-E you!" You end up having a pillow fight in his room, with both of you laughing.

3. Time-in. I read this idea for child discipline in Mothering magazine. A mother of two preschool aged children interrupted an escalating squabble. Instead of
using the usual time-out to discipline them--which usually ended up with someone in tears and full of resentment--she decided to give them a "time-in."

She sat with her two boys on the living room floor and had each one, in turn, give his side about what had happened and how it had made him feel. She then guided the children to figure out a solution to what had started the argument in the first place.

It took more time and effort than sending them to their respective time-out spots, but by the time the discussion had ended, the boys had resolved their differences, were willing to apologize, and went on to play happily together.

4. Setting flexible boundaries and realistic expectations. Why can't your child hum at the dinner table? Is she really doing anything wrong?

Is it realistic to punish a one-year-old child for pulling books off the bookshelf (and would it kill you to move them for a couple of years)?

Parenting becomes a lot less stressful once you become aware of age-appropriate behavior and decide against making arbitrary rules that only cause continual battles in the home. Rules and child discipline should be based on the safety and security of the individuals in the family, not on the parents' upbringing ("we were never allowed to do this") and pet peeves.

5. Love and Logic. This method of child discipline fits me to a tee. During my years as a classroom teacher, Love and Logic worked better than time-outs or any other of the usual punitive techniques.

It causes the kids to think, learn from natural consequences, and, ultimately, learn to make good choices in the absence of their parents.

It also makes them squirm. Charles Faye, co-author of the book Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years, makes a humorous statement at the beginning of the book. As a teenager, Faye says, he would often wish his parents (his father, Jim, is one of the founders of the Love and Logic Institute) would just spank him and let it be over with.

Instead, he was forced to think and make choices.

Imagine that. Putting the responsibility back on the child and relieving yourself of the burden of "doing something" about misbehavior.

You really need to get the book Parenting With Love And Logic to get the full picture of how it works. The three main rules are:

Give lots of choices.
When possible, give the kid the power (adults always lose in power struggles, anyway).
Use few words (no lectures), and always show empathy, when dealing with a problem.

The following examples will give you a general idea of the genius of my favorite kind of gentle child discipline.

At the park, your three-year-old says, "But I don't want to go home now." You respond, "I understand you're having fun. You can walk home or you can ride in the stroller. What is your choice?" If the child continues to whine, in the stroller he goes.

You have two teenage girls who are never ready to leave for school on time. You take them to the Goodwill thrift store, buy them the frumpiest outfits you can find, and put the clothes in dry cleaning bags in the coat closet. With a smile you say, "From now on, the car leaves at 7:30 in the morning. If you're not dressed by then, no problem. We'll just grab these bags and you can change at school."

(Jim Faye gave this true-story example at a Love and Logic
workshop I attended. He said that the mother never had a problem
with leaving for school on time again.)

Your eight-year-old breaks an expensive vase while throwing a baseball around the living room. You say, "What a bummer, son. Are you going to pay for that in dollars or in chores?"

May I coach you? Natural child discipline is loving and effective, much more so than punitive methods. And when your child feels loved and secure, your home becomes a much more peaceful place to live.

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